I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
