if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
