so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
