If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
