that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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