you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
