woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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