drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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