Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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