Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
