You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
