it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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