Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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