My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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