Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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