just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
