if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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