I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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