I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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