Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize