You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
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