The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
