I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Someone came in the potted fern
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize