I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
