hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
