how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
