I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
