I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
