Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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