TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
