I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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