**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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