Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
