yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
where am i from again
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
