We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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