What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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