I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
40s are totally the cure
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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