Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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