fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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