Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
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