drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
