Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize