the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
