she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
handjob tips. give me some.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
