my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
