Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
