Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
