just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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