I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
