First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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