He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
