You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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