guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
