btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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