Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Boobs are out for the taking
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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