So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i think i have two assholes
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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