I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
